Sunday, September 11, 2011

Clint Says Goodbye

I give up.

Anyone who knows me all that well knows that I have struggled with mental illness for almost my entire life. I remember when I was in first grade, I was on anti-depressants. I don't remember exactly how that happened, but I do know that I was suicidal at the time. Five years old and suicidal.

Things never really got better.

While I don't remember exactly what happened, I remember this much: When I was in first-grade class, there was a substitute teacher. I was acting up somehow (not intentionally; I was just a wired kid who had no self-control), and the substitute got mad at me and scolded me, and told me to go out to the principal's office.

I couldn't understand why she was so mad. I didn't want to get in trouble. I remember crying, promising the teacher I would behave. She wouldn't listen, and kept insisting that I get out of her classroom. I cried more heavily, and repeatedly said "you don't need me anymore." What that really meant was "I'm sorry I disappointed you and made you mad. I don't want to live anymore."

While growing up, it seemed that everyone was against me in some way. There was hardly a day that went by where I didn't hear things like how stupid I was. How ugly I was. How bad I was. How worthless I was. How I would never amount to anything, ever. Even my father would get so angry at me that he would call me worthless, stupid, and/or pathetic.

Truth is, I've been in auto-pilot for the most part -- I had no control over anything, myself included. If I could do it over again, I would have gone through school making straight A's, listening to authority, and behaving like a good kid. I might have even made a few friends along the way. But the way I acted was the complete opposite. I couldn't focus, I couldn't make myself behave, and I didn't really understand who I was, where I was, or what I was doing there.

While I recently have gotten a (somewhat slightly) better grip on reality, it has not helped matters. I am beginning to see how right they were, about how I would never amount to anything. I am 31-years old. I have worked four months out of my entire life. I never leave the house, as I can't drive a car. I'm receiving disability, but I don't receive enough to buy groceries. I still live with my parents. I have never had a girlfriend. Hell, I'm almost 32, and am still a virgin. How pathetic is that? I mean, it's not as if the opportunity has never presented itself; but I guess it all boils down to the fact that I was always too scared and/or stupid to take advantage of it.

When I was younger, I got beat up a lot at school. I usually didn't put up much of a fight. What can I say -- I have never wanted to hurt people. Now, there are times where I would get mad enough to try and hit someone, but I always hesitated at the last second, so that the resulting blow wouldn't have harmed a newborn baby. And then I got my ass handed to me.

My behavior attracted such incidents. I was never able to keep calm -- I was always bouncing all over the place, my mind racing a mile a minute. When I annoyed someone, I kept doing it -- not to be a nuisance, but because I couldn't help it -- until it ended badly.

My goal in life has always been to make people happy. One could tell because of what I am involved in -- video game development, art, music, comedy writing, and so on. But it seems that the darn auto-pilot is still getting in the way. I keep screwing up, no matter how hard I try not to. In my fervor to make people happy, I end up making the people near me miserable. When I screw up -- which is pretty much every time I try to accomplish something -- I change into another person.

This other person is the complete opposite of what I want to be. This other person makes it a point to make anyone nearby miserable. This other person wants to do horrible things to me and other people. This other person wishes he could wipe out all life -- not just human life, but all life. To him, all life -- without exception -- is absurd to the point that it should simply be extinguished.

I believe this other person is the part of my personality that craves failure, destruction, and death. I have tried so hard for so long to be a good person, but that other part of me always wins out. I fear that, in time, this other person will finally bring the good in me down all the way. When that happens, I fear that the good in me will die, and that the evil within me will take complete control.

I don't understand why. I've struggled with whether God exists for years. When I was in my early 20s, I hated the idea that there was a supreme being of some sort, because there was so much evil in the world. Lately, I have reconsidered that position, and have in fact come to believe that God *is* out there. I've tried to pray to him, but that other part of me keeps me far away from God. I've cried and pleaded for God to help me fight it. My pleas have, apparently, fallen upon deaf ears.

So, after all that, I give up. I'm not going to kill myself, because there is still enough good left in me to see that's what the other person wants. I am not going to give into him. But I do want to apologize to all the people I've ever met for coming into their lives. Everyone deserves better than to have had my presence -- whether momentary, long-term, or anywhere in-between -- taint their existence or their happiness.

I plan to seclude myself from others from now on. When the other person finally wins, I have no idea what will happen. I do not want to hurt anyone else ever again. The best way to see to that is to make sure no when is near me when it happens.

If you have ever known me and are reading this, please forgive me. Forgive me for any time I've ever made you anything but happy. Forgive me for being who I am. Forgive me for being evil. Allow me to disappear into the darkness, unseen, where I belong, and where I can never hurt anyone ever again.

The part about this that is truly unfair is that I love people, but all I can do is harm them. Thus, I must never allow myself to become close to anyone ever again.

Goodbye, my dear friends. I will sorely miss you.